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 Funny QuotesBeer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. - Benjamin Franklin Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff. - Will Rogers I want to be in Kentucky when the end of the world comes, because it's always 20 years behind - Mark Twain A man's only as old as the woman he feels. - Groucho Marx When you come to a fork in the road, take it. - Yogi Berra I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall. - Eleanor Roosevelt A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. - Jack Benny When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. - Woody Allen There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. - Will Rogers It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. - Jack Handey I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them. - Abraham Lincoln Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house. - Henny Youngman Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded. - Yogi Berra I drink therefore I am. - W.C. Fields A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. - Albert Einstein You can't have everything... where would you put it? - Steven Wright Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed. - Winston Churchill My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. - Jack Benny And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!" - Author Unknown A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah. - Ronald Reagan I never think of the future - it comes soon enough. - Albert Einstein By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. - Spike Milligan Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternatives. - Maurice Chevalier Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. - Carl Zwanzig Giving up smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times. - Author Unknown I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day. - Frank Sinatra A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't. - Author Unknown Ninety percent of the game is half mental. - Jim Wohford A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. - Fred Allen Always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't go to yours. - Yogi Berra I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. - Mark Twain Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? - Homer Simpson My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw He who fights and runs away I love mankind. It's people I can't stand. - Charles Monroe Schultz I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury. - George Burns Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. - Brendan Behan If it sells, it's art. - Frank Lloyd It's not the people who are in prison worry me. It's the people who aren't. - Arthur Gore My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol
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