A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks "Well, what does he look like?"
An idiot walks into a bar with dog poo in his hand. He goes up to the bartender and says "Look what I almost stepped in!"
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? A: Beer nuts cost a buck twenty-five. Deer nuts are under a buck!
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi."
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25." A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts." The gorilla replies "At these prices, you won't get many more, either!"
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."
A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?" Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!" "May I please have a drink?" "What? You have to speak up!" "Could I please have a drink?" "Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you." "I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."
A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No," was the reply. A few minutes later, the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly. "That's not my dog."
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer. As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voise saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'. The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from. A minute later he heard the same voice saying, 'You are a handsome man.' The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on. The barman replied, 'It's the nuts - they're complimentary.'
This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"
A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Please, no stories!"
A man walks into a bar and asks, "Do you serve women in this bar?" "No," replies the barman, "you have to bring your own."
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts"
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
A neutron walks into a bar and says "I’d like a beer, please." After the bartender gives him one, he asks "How much will that be?" The bartender says "For you? No charge."